


Debrief

by missema



Series: Allyse Shepard, Space Cadet [7]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Declarations Of Love, F/M, Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-04
Updated: 2012-03-04
Packaged: 2017-11-01 03:13:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/351311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missema/pseuds/missema
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the fight on Horizon, Kaidan's words sink into Allyse Shepard's mind as she talks to the Illusive Man.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Debrief

"I **loved you** Shepard."   
  
Kaidan's words rang in her ears all the way back to the ship.  He'd loved her.  Perhaps even loved her still, somewhere deep within him.  
  
There were things that they didn't say before on the original Normandy, thing she probably should have said in retrospect, but they never did get around to it.  There was always something in the way, a reason for not really coming out and saying how much he meant to her.  The feelings she had for Kaidan, they didn't get said aloud.  There were too many ears, too much responsibility, too many repercussions if the the Alliance found out about them.  But love, yes, she loved him too.  She still did.  
  
It just hurt like hell to hear it now, thrown into her face by an angry, hurt Kaidan.  
  
The word was still echoing within her, ricocheting off the walls of her mind as she talks to the Illusive Man.  Horizon was a set-up, his doing of course, yet another thing that he orchestrated, maneuvering her like a marionette soldier.  His influence ran too deep for her liking, his operatives everywhere, coaxing and shifting plans, arranging the future as if it were nothing more than a puzzle he pieced together in his spare time.  
  
"I hope that you've put your past relationships behind you."  The hologram of her shady boss says to her.  He's smoking a cigarette, and the plume of smoke swirls around as he dictates her life, the statement a demand.  This is what she hates most about Cerberus, the vested interest in her that made her feel as is she's the prize piece of the Illusive Man's collection, but not a human, something more like EDI, a useful tool.  
  
"That's none of your damn business."  Allyse retorts shortly.  It really isn't, not when she can't even make sense of the words she heard down there, her feelings all jumbled and strangely live, like an electric wire charged with a sudden jolt.  
  
"It is if it effects the mission."  The Illusive Man says back to her, and reminds her once again that this is a suicide mission.  The supposed concern is that she won't put all of herself into it, be ready for whatever lay in the beyond if she has something pulling her back.  He doesn't understand the value of the personal connection, no one here does, they're too cold and impersonal.  She's got to have something worth dying for if she's ever going to make it, someone worth living for if she's going to hell and back.  
  
No matter what he says, they're all suicide missions, and he knows that as well as she does.  She wasn't doing anything more than a routine patrol when the Collectors hit the first Normandy, the Collectors gunning for her in particular, destroying a whole ship just to see her dead.  They may not all start out with impossible odds, but death can come at any time.  Allyse knows and accepts this, hoping that the next time it comes, it is a little more permanent.  
  
That night, in her quarters, her mind strays to Kaidan again, as it does whenever she's alone and quiet, her desires beating out even her fears to take center stage in her thoughts.  This time, she isn't wondering where he is, or what he is doing.  She knows, and that is a comfort that lulls her into sleep.   
  
He loved her.  It may be in the past, year too late for her to take advantage of now, but the fact fills her like helium in a balloon, a salve for her wrecked, lonely soul, making her feel buoyant as she drifts off to sleep.


End file.
